Somewhere I Belong
by DarlingMalfunction
Summary: How do we know we belong......


----------( Hello again! I'm making my first Cowboy Bebop fanfic. I hope it does justice. I'm trying to to by at all OOC and I hope it shows. I'm not the best at giving summaries but I'll give it a shot.  
This story take place on the Bebop right after Spike took his Swordfish for the final time. It's Faye' s POV (mainly thoughts) and it's my view on how she acted when we didn't see her anymore in Episode 26, And as always I found the perfect song to not only fit the story but to Faye in general. The song is called "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park. Also a helpful hint I always say...it makes the story more enjoyable if you listen to the song that's in the story. I personally think it makes the story become more alive.  
  
Well I better get to the story! I hope you enjoy!  
  
// ....// - Song Lyrics  
  
"Somewhere I Belong"  
  
By: RomanticSoul07  
  
// When this began //  
  
And he left me. Just like that. He.left. I can't understand. Why wasn't this life good enough for him? He always told me to "forget the past" but he seemed to be the one still more hung up on it rather than me. Not that I had a past to go back to as I have recently found out. But still his words stung more as he turned his back on them..like they were erased from time. It just made me to furious for words. I needed to do something..anything..to get him out of my eyes when I close them.  
I tried my best to keep him here. But I guess you really can't force someone to do something the truly don't want to do. So now I'm stuck here feeling alone..empty like I felt nothing. Like I was nothing, just a numb void wandering this god-forsaken ship.  
  
//I had nothing to say  
  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me  
  
(I was confused)  
  
And I let it all out to find  
  
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind//  
  
It hasn't even been a day since he left. I can't believe it. Me, Faye Valentine, a softie, imagine that. But for some reason those words kept on repeating in my mind, like a broken record.  
  
"I have to go find out if I'm really alive."  
  
It was beyond me how you couldn't tell whether you were alive or dreaming. I guess there is a fine line but that can disappear with time. I guess with all he's been through it could seem that fine line become hazy. I always saw that look when he thought about his past. Then again if I were in his position I would've never done what he did to his friends here. But what hurt the most is that he just didn't seem to care. Didn't care he left the home he has been in for 3 years. Didn't care about the people he left. But the thing I know is making my heart ache the most is that he could care less about me.  
  
//Inside of me  
  
But all the vacancy the words revealed  
  
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel//  
  
I wondered in and out of my room at least a million times today. I guess I have nothing else to do. I feel so useless. I think I'm hungry because I feel pain below my neck. Maybe it's not my stomach that I feel. Already knowing I wouldn't find much anyways, I open the fridge door. Nothing. How ironic. I see Jet pass by. Figures. Men are so typical. They see someone hurting and they quickly ignore it. But then again I was nothing and nothing can be avoided.  
I don't know how but somehow I'm back in my room staring at a picture of us. The meaning of us being the 'crew' before we split up. Ed looked strange as usual while hugging Ein. And it looked like Jet was annoyed by it but in amused way. This made me giggle. But then my eyes drifted to where I didn't want to look. It's amazing and I swear its human nature. For example when children watch scary movies and cover their eyes but still peek..I guess that is what I was doing. I saw Spike. His lanky and slouched demeanor, yet it was as casual as can be. But he had a grin on his face. I however was standing right next to him with a indecisive look on my face. But I guess I give off that impression.  
  
//Nothing to lose  
  
Just stuck, hollow and alone  
  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own//  
  
I feel that all to familiar sting come back to my eyes. I can't seem to control it anymore. I want to so badly to feel differently. So badly I want to look at him different. I want..I don't think I know what I want. But then again..I wish we could choose who we love. I want to get rid of this feeling in my gut. I want to be myself again. Not that I even know what that is anymore.  
I guess I want a lot. But is it really that hard to obtain these things. Curse him for making me fall in love.  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
  
Erase all the pain till it's gone  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong//  
  
That voice in my head keeps telling me to let it go. But my heart seems to be winning the argument. I keep seeing him everywhere. I see his forest green hair and gangling body whether I close or open my eyes. Why won't my heart just let it go? He's gone. Deal with it. But for some reason I can't. I really hate him for doing this to me. Why was fate so cruel? I don't know and I probably never will. He just squirmed himself inside of me to hidden place in my heart.  
For that I wanted to choke him. He gave me that place where I felt needed and wanted. But with him gone I don't belong anywhere. I really messed up this time. I hit flat bottom and I don't think I can have a way up this time. I won't have my "prince charming" come and rescue me. He is off rescuing another, and apparently more important, damsel in distress. She was truly the devil from heaven.  
  
//And I've got nothing to say  
  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face  
  
I was confused  
  
Looking everywhere only to find  
  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind//  
  
Again I find myself walking aimlessly out of room to somewhere else I can be. Everywhere was getting old quickly. I never thought a man would have this affect on someone like me. I was always never personally attached. I have no idea why I let him get that involved. Not that it was a two sided thing. I don't think he even thought of me as a friend. But who needs these negative thoughts. I guess I do.  
  
//So what am I  
  
What do I have but negativity  
  
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me  
  
Nothing to lose  
  
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone  
  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own//  
  
I guess its true what they say. You never truly appreciate something until it's gone. I know now more then ever its nothing but truth. Everyday I took for granted being with him. I could've shared a moment with him I could use now for comfort. I could've been more decent. Maybe, just maybe, he might have seen the real me. Which I'm finding out isn't at all what I think he saw me as.  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
  
Erase all the pain till it's gone  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong//  
  
I am trying to think of those steps. Yes, those dreadful steps of accepting death. I think maybe they would help. I go onto the computer to search for it. I wait for them to come up. But I don't have the courage to look at them. I turn off the computer and turn around and I could've sworn I saw someone watching me. But then again I'm not feeling at all right today. I think I'm going to take a ride.  
I take out the keys and put them in the ignition. But, again, my vision is blurred again by the tears I can't stop from coming. I can't pilot in this condition. How I wanted so badly to just get out but I guess there is no escaping.  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong//  
  
What if I really don't belong anywhere? What happens to people like me? Am I the kind of people that end up alone the rest of their life either in a mental hospital or with a million cats? I keep asking myself the same question.  
  
"Why can't I accept it?"  
  
My speech was horse from not using it unless it was to sob. I have to find a way out of this. I need to begin to heal. If he is dead there isn't anything I can do. I can't keep on living this way. I need to resort back to my own self.  
  
"And that's what I'm going to do."  
  
I tried to hold back another outburst of crying after saying so. It was much easier said than done.  
  
//I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
  
I will break away, I'll find myself today//  
  
I was about to get up from the Red Tail when I thought I heard Spike's voice. I knew I had to be imagining it. I wish my mind would stop doing that to me. I can almost smell his cologne on everything. And then I find myself at his bedroom door. Surprised to see it unlooked I took the privilege to go right in. Not like he would care..he's not coming back.  
I can defiantly smell him in here. A mix of smoke and mystery. A scent all to himself. Oh how that would drive me crazy. And it still does. Except more now then ever it splits my already broken heart nearly in half. I need to get out of here. But before I leave I see a note on his dresser near the door.  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong//  
  
I open it. Seeing it before I lost my nerve. It was addressed to..I had to double-take. Me? The letter I found stated the following.  
  
Faye,  
I know what you want to say and I see it in your eyes. I may not be here to say this but you belong here. Not only here but also here with me. ~Spike  
  
My jaw must have hit the floor. I begin to sob as it crinkles in my hand.  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong//  
  
Why was he doing this to me. Of all the things. He waits until he is going off to die to have me find this. He must have known I couldn't have stayed away form his room. Then I hear the phone ring. Oh god..please don't let it be..  
  
//I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong//  
  
I sit in what it seemed like days until I heard Jet's voice ring out.  
  
"Faye..I'm sorry but he's gone"  
  
He gave me his final wishes. And maybe that will help me get through this.  
  
"Thank you Spike, for giving me somewhere I belong."  
  
//Somewhere I belong// 


End file.
